The other day I had the rare opportunity of shopping alone. Completely alone. Those of you who have children understand what a blessing that is. No whining, no arguing, no running through the store like monkeys on crack…just a simple walk through the grocery aisles all by myself. I wandered aimlessly through the store for a solid five minutes or so. As I was heading to the checkout, I passed a woman who stood in the pregnancy test aisle lamenting on how many ovulation sticks she’s peed on. She was with a friend who promptly jumped in on how easy it was for her to get pregnant. I inwardly cringed and tried to make eye contact with ovulation stick lady because 13 years ago, I was ovulation stick lady. And the last thing ovulation stick lady wanted to hear was how easy it was for her friend to get pregnant. I longed to hug ovulation stick lady and tell her to hang in there. I could see her hurt and frustration, but I continued to the checkout and on with my day.

Later, as I looked back on my own infertility journey, I thought of all the things no one told me and everything I learned along the way. I composed the below list and 2 things one should do while trying to get pregnant…hopefully ovulation stick lady finds her way here.

5 Frustrating Things You Will Hear While Trying to get Pregnant

1. Fertile Myrtle Tales: Everyone will want to share their pregnancy stories with you. The super obnoxious ones will describe how quickly they got pregnant. “I went off birth control and bam, one month later I had a bun in the oven!” “We got back from honeymooning in Cabo and we were pregnant!” You will want to say something like, good for fucking you. You may be inclined to punch them in the face. Do not punch them in the face. These people are not your tribe, they are braggers, the one uppers, the friends that deep down aren’t friends. Ignore them…they are not your people.
2. Advice and how-tos: Everyone has a theory. Something they read, something their great Aunt Hilda once told them, something that worked for them. Special teas, acupuncture, the best positions for making whoopee…the list goes on. If you have the patience to try one of them, by all means, but keep in mind everyone is different and some advice-givers are crazy. They believe in their suggestion so heartily that they will hound you. “Have you tried it yet? Have you? Have you? It’s great, isn’t it?” “Um, oh, you mean the fungal herbal tea? It tasted what I imagine sweaty feet taste like. So, thanks for that, Janice.” Upon hearing that you haven’t taken their advice, they may purse their lips and give you a look meant to say “Well, if you took my advice, you’d be pregnant by now.” Uff da. “Maybe people don’t want to drink your nasty fungus juice, Janice!” You may be inclined to punch them in the face. Do not punch them in the face. They mean well, they just don’t understand that you are not a science experiment or an affirmation of their belief in a product. 
3. If it’s meant to be it will happen: You must be a special kind of dill hole to say this to someone trying to get pregnant. Honestly, that’s a loaded sentence and an instinctual response is, why would it not be? Has the universe decided I’m not worthy of parenthood? I get it, people who say this believe they are being supportive but they’re not. This is incredibly dismissive (“Stop complaining about your infertility, if it’s meant to be it will be. You’re dismissed. Come back when you have a real problem.”) You will want to punch them in the face. Do not punch them in the face. You may break or sprain your wrist or a finger or a knuckle.   
4. There’s always adoption. But…sometimes there isn’t. Sometimes adoption isn’t on the table because of a whole shit ton of reasons. The bottom line is no one should be suggesting it, it’s none of their business. You will want to punch these nosy effers in the face. Do not punch them in the face. Well…no, don’t punch them in the face.
5. Just relax…it will happen. RELAX while we poke you in the ass with needles to jumpstart your ovaries, and if you go on vacation and don’t have a nurse with you, your husband is going to have to stab you in the tummy with a needle…that’s romantic. RELAX while you’re swallowing ten get healthier horse pills while doing sit ups because the healthiest version of you is the most likely one to get pregnant. RELAX and just invest your future child’s college funds into pregnancy test stock because every time you pee on that pissy plastic stick it will say negative. Just RELAX while everyone you know will get pregnant simultaneously. Just RELAX while every time you walk through a store, parking lot, or mall it will feel like there’s a secret society of preggos that live to wave their swollen-with-life bellies in your face. Just RELAX my ass! You will want to punch them in the face. Do it. Punch these assholes in the face.  

2 DOS

DO gravitate toward the people who have had similar experiences. You are not alone. There are tons of support groups, but there are also people already in your life that have had similar experiences. You just don’t know it because no one talks about it. When I started opening up to friends and co-workers, I realized every pregnancy story is different. A friend tried for years with her first husband, when she married her second, she warned him she couldn’t get pregnant. She got super drunk on her honeymoon and practically shit herself when she found out she was pregnant a couple months later. I was stunned when my cousin told me it took her six months to get pregnant with her first kiddo. I remember thinking, wait, what? Because I lived in the naivete that I could just tell my body it was time to get pregnant and the stars would align just so. The unpleasant truth is that pregnancy is rarely a surprise these days. It’s more of a strategic plan of counting days, peeing on ovulation sticks (uff da, the amount of plastic I have peed on) and sex. Lots and lots of sex. 

The second DO is to find your tribe. The best moment was when a friend, after listening to my infertility woes, commented how she was sad for me because she knew my husband and I would make great parents. This affirmation left me in tears, and the fact that she listened. She didn’t offer advice or try to solve my infertility for me, she listened. Those are the gems to seek out. Those are your people. Embrace them…and try not to punch anyone in the face.